Am I really worthy to live?

11/10/2017 

3:30 pm

Am I really worthy to live? 

Time goes by and I slowly realized who I am and what is my role to the people around me. And you know what, it's really hard for me to say this but I think I am just a BIG HINDRANCE in their life. Isa akong malaking TRASH, isang malaking BATO na nagpapabigat at humaharang sa buhay nila. That's why, pumasok sa isip ko kung worthy pa ba akong mabuhay, kung worthy pa ba akong maging parte pa ng mga buhay nila, na no matter what they do I'm still here and they cannot erase the fact that I'm part of them. There is one thing na pumasok sa isip ko para di na ako maging isang malaking ABALA sa mga buhay nila, yun ay ang mamatay ako. Di na iba sa'kin yung pakiramdam na yun kasi kahit naman nung bata pa ako, nararamdaman ko na yun, na I want to die, na sana di na lang kami naging kambal, na sana namatay na lang ako nung baby pa ko.  I really hope na I have courage to kill myself, because now, I am capable of hurting myself physically. I tried na hiwain yung wrist ko using a blade many times, I also tried hanging myself but di ko tinutuloy. And there is something I felt about it, believe it or not, it felt amazing habang nauubusan ako ng hininga habang naka-hang and pag di ko na kaya, pinapatong ko na lang ang paa ko sa pedeng pagpatungan nun, I also tried na i-untog ang ulo ko sa pader, suntukin ang sarili at sakalin ang sarili. It felt so good even if it's hurt. And I wish that sana physically na lang yung sakit na nararamdaman ko kesa emotionally, because I can't handle it, I really can handle it. Habang tumatanda ako, mas nakikilala ko yung sarili ko, na ganito pala ako kasama. Lumaki akong dapat ginagawa ang tama, na iniisip ang sasabihin ng ibang tao, and I didn't realize na pati sarili kong happiness naiisantabi ko na because of that thinking, na hindi ko pa malalaman yun kung hindi pa sasabihin ng taong binibigyan ako ng halaga. But wala akong magawa, I can't change myself even if I really want to change, for the better, for good. All I know is I have to help, I have to consider all the people around me, I always have to do the right thing. And sometimes I do wrong, sobrang sama na ng tingin nila sa'kin, sobrang baba. I do that because dun ako masaya, sa isang beses na pagkakamali na yun, sa isang beses na pagsuway na yun, they judge me like they didn't do anything wrong in their lives. Malaki ang point nila sa pagkakamali ko, and until now pinagdudusahan ko yun, pero masaya ako. SOMETIMES, IT'S NOT WRONG TO DO A MISTAKE IF THAT MISTAKE MAKES YOU HAPPY ONCE IN YOU LIFE. I don't know why I think negative. And I HATE MYSELF for that. I am so emotional. Buti na lang kahit gabito ako, may tao pa ding nagmahal sa'kin at tanggap lahat ng bad attitudes ko. Nobody's perfect, I am not perfect, I do wrong, I hurt people feelings and hindi ko sinasadya yun and I really sorry to them. I can't help myself to stop talking bad about certain people. I know it's wrong but I can't help it, eventually most ng sinasabi ko is true, and masakit talaga yung katotohanan, that's why nasasaktan siya, what I can do about that, totoo naman yung sinasabi ko. Nagpabaya ako kaya nakasakit ako, kahit sinasabi ko naman sa kanya yung pagkakamali niya, ganun pa din ginagawa niya, she can't handle it because she is young, then why did she not tell it right in my face. Ano yun, plastikan? Tao lang ako, magkakamali at nakakagawa ng masama, and I understand why she felt that too, pero para isisi sa'min, sa'kin yung pag-alis niya, darn it! She not even part of our family, she is nobody yet they are angry with me, with us? What the! Baka nga siya pa maging dahilan para masira yung relationships namin, because of that one nobody person, masisira kami, I can't accept that. Nagkakamali tayo pero bakit kailangang magkasira dahil lang sa kanya. I'm sorry pero di ko mapigilan sarili ko ilabas ang sama ng loob ko because 2nd time na niya masisira yung relationship ko sa taong inportante sa'kin. I think tatapusin ko na tong sinusulat ko because angry na ang nararamdaman ko hindi na pity. Don't judge, everybody has the right to feel like this, to be angry, to feel sad, to pity.