Baby angel

 April 18, 2023 12am

Nakita ko na lang may dugo. Di na ako mapakali. I am so worried. I did a lot of things that day and I blamed myself that maybe I am the reason why I am spotting. Kahit napuyat sa pag-observed. I had 1 hour sleep. I am relieved nung nakita kong wala ng dugong dumagdag pa. That's why I decided to work at 4am. But when I checked again, may dugo na naman. Nakita ko ang asawa ko kakadating pang galing sa work, nakatulog na sa salas sa sobrang pagod at antok dahil sa trabaho. My mind says na di sabihin sa kanya para di na sya mag-alala, para di ko na sya maistorbo sa work niya. Pero di na talaga ako mapakali. I decided to tell him, he got angry. Nag-early out na ko by 9am and we looked for an ob doctor. We decided to eat and all I hear is pagalitan ako because of all the things I do. 

When we finally found a doctor, we wait and the doctor checked me. That time, the doctor tell me that my baby has no heart beat. Pinipihilan kong umiyak. Di pa nag sink in sakin yung sinabi nung doc then she showed me my baby. No heart beat. When the doctor sits on her table, and I am still on the patients bed sitting. I can't help my self but to cry. Asking the doctor, did I do anything wrong? Did I do something to harm mu baby? I've waited for the baby for 3 years. 3 years of trying then suddenly the baby has no heart beat. Sabi ni doc, kahit ingatan man namin si baby o hindi, ganun pa din ang mangyayari. Kung di talaga sya para sa in, hindi talaga. Kung para sa amin sya, kahit ano pang gawin ko andyan yung baby. I cried and I cried, apologizing to doc because di ko mapigilang umiyak. I composed myself and asked what is the thing I have to do. The doctor says that kailangan mailabas si baby, she is not doing raspa. She  prefer natural birth. Yes, kailangan ko pa din syang ianak. I can't decide. I can't think. I said, I have to talked to my husband to decide. Lumabas ako, then ginising ko ang asawa ko, he is asking what is the findings. Then I tell him, let's talk outside. Outside, sa may gilid, I tell him that the baby has no heart beat. I explained what the doctor says. Sabi nya, ang akala nya, we just need to drink medicine para maging okay ang lahat. We can't believed that this is really happening.

We decided to go home. Pagdating sa bahay, dere-deretso ang lakad and we didn't talk to anyone else. In our room, we cried and cried. My husband bought liquor and drink. Then shouting why did this happen to us? Why our poor child? It hurts a lot. Losing our little angel. The baby we are so excited to meet on November. The baby is still inside of me but no heart beat. That's explain why I can't feel him. That's why I can't sleep. Ang sakit. Sobrang sakit mawalan ng anak. Walang kasing sakit yung nararamdaman namin as a parent. Her ate did not know na wala na sya. And it's really hard to tell her because like us. She loves the baby so much.

 Umaga hanggang gabi laging umiinom ang husband ko. I can't stop him kasi baka yun lang ang way nya para ilabas ung nararamdaman nya. 

Àpril 19, 2023

We go to my doctor. We decided to have raspa. I want the baby na ilabas nang natural. But seeing my husband na nahihirapan, it hurts like hell. She checked me, and she confirms na wala na talaga si baby. My cervix is open. And she wants us to do ultrasound to see if meron pa ba. Wala na talaga. Kahit papano umasa pa ako na baka magkaroon ng himala, na baka biglang magkaroon pa ng heart beat si baby. But there is no such thing. Wala. Lalo kaming nanghina. 

Pag-uwi namin, nakakaramdam na ako ng sakit. 8pm, I feel that na ilalabas ko na siya naturally. By 9pm, I am in labor, naramdaman kong may lumabas na. I cried. Di ko na ulit napigilang umiyak. Wala na sya talaga. Wala na yung baby ko na nasa loob pa ng tyan ko. For 2 wonderful months, 2 weeks na lang sana baby 3 months ka na. I am so excited pa naman kasi papasok na tayo ng 2nd trimester. My husband also cried silently, di na nya makayang makita ako kasi alam na din nyang nailabas na kita and wala ka na talaga baby. Natapos ang labor kong ng 10:40pm. Almost 4 hrs. Masakit physically and emotionally. Kasi nanganak ka ng walang mahahawakan, wala kang kakargahin sa braso mo, walang baby na iiyak. Nagpadala ako sa asawa ko sa cr, then pagtayo ko, may lumabas pa. Dahan dahan akong naglakad. Then nilinis ko ang sarili ko mg warm water, with the help of my husband. Puro dugo, buo at liquid. Then suddenly, we see the baby. It's like a circle with 2 eyes looking at us. I don't feel sadness. Sabi ko pa nga ang cute nya, kinuha ko sya then nilagay namin sya sa jollibee box. Maybe it's silly for you but we laugh. We didn't expected na ganun na yung itsura nya  we also didn't expect na makikita pa namin sya. Mas okay na ganun kesa nag iiyakan na naman kami. Para syang nakangiti samin while looking at us. So angelic and cute. You are a fighter anak. Alam kong lumaban ka din. You are so strong. Then suddenly I felt dizzy, nanghina ako at bumagsak ang katawan. Then hiniga na ako sa kama. 

April 23, 2023

Up until now, tinitibayan pa din namin ang sarili namin. Kasi masakit pa din anak, hindi kami makatulog. Naiiyak pa din kami. Nalulungkot at nasasaktan. Nawawalan ng gana sa lahat ng bagay. Pero kailangang bumangon. Wala namang ibang choice kundi maging okay. Mahal na mahal ka namin Ging gong. Di ka namin makakalimutan. You are still our 2nd child. You are our baby forever. Our baby angel. Sorry baby if nagkaka-ganito si mami at dadi. We are trying our best to cope this and to be okay. We love you for eternity. 

April 26, 2023

Dinala ka na namin ng daddy mo sa huli mong hantungan. Kasama nang lolo at lola anda mo. Nag sindi kami ng kandila at nagbigay ng bulaklak para sa inyo. Hinabilin na din kita sa mga anda mo anak. Kahit papano panatag na ako dahil nasa safe place ka na. Pero yung sakit, di pa rin mawala wala. Hindi ko na alam anak, parang gusto ko na lang sumama sayo. Napapagod na ako anak. Di ko na alam nararamdaman ko. Wala namang kadamay si mami dito. Isama mo na lang ako anak. At least dyan magkasama na tayo. Masaya na din ako kasi may kasama ako. Kesa dito, parang walang may care sakin. Nasa tabi ko nga pero parang wala. Wala akong maramdaman. Excited akong ipaalam sa Mundo na andito ka na anak pero di ka pa man nasasabi sa lahat Yung existence mo, binawi ka na niya. Di ko alam bakit nangyari ito? Di ko alam bakit ako? Bakit Ikaw? 

May 24, 2023

Anak, sobrang akong nalungkot Nung mother's day. Naalala kita. Dapat dalawa na sana kayo ni Giging na Kasama ko ngayon. Mas Masaya kasi dalawa na kayo. Pasensya ka na anak, Hindi pa maka-move on si Mami. Mahal na mahal kita anak. Nagpapakatatag si Mami para sa ate at dadi mo.